PART I: THE SWIM

Since this whole triathlon nonsense is all about three sports I guess it is time to talk about each and what they have in store for me on race day.  It is well-known throughout most of the family how I feel about swimming.  I can't even really express my feelings here out of deference to all that is right and proper in the world because it would involve oh so many profanities.  Surprisingly enough all those years of hanging out at Aunt Lorrie's pool did nothing for my swim ability.  Perhaps because we were too busy sitting pool side waiting to actually go in the water because we just ate and our half hour wasn't up yet and we were going to get cramps and drown if we went in.  Really parents!!!!!!!  You would think they would have been pushing us in just to get us out of their hair. When we weren't waiting out the half-hour we were busy trying to see how many of us could go down the slide at one time.  Then we were busy watching Uncle Jim dive off the top of the slide in his snowmobile suit.  No wonder I swim like crap.  I never learned how to swim as much as I learned how not to drown.  That has been my downfall.....but anyhow.  Race day I will be swimming here.

Beautiful serene Mirror Lake....until race day

It looks beautiful and it really is.  I have actually swum one loop of the race course before. Mirror Lake is unique in that it has an underwater cable that runs the length of the rectangle swim course so technically you don't have to try to sight the course at all.  I say technically because everyone wants to be near that cable and if you are not a strong swimmer and not looking to get kicked, punched, smacked, pushed under or swam over you stay away from the cable.  You see when you add 3000+ swimmers to Mirror Lake it looks a little something like this


Not so serene anymore

So let's talk numbers...2.4 miles, 4224yds, 84.5 laps if you were to do it in a pool, 2 hrs and 20 mins. On race day I will have to swim 2.4 miles in 2:20.  What happens if you don't finish in 2:20 you ask.  You're done...out...your race is over...hand in your timing chip and go home. The seven months of training you did were all for nothing.  Based on my prior half-ironman swims I should be able to comfortably finish the swim with plenty of time to spare.  Do I have a goal?  Yep.  Finish before 2 hrs and 20 min.  There are a lot of variables in a race like this.  When you cram 3000+ athletes in that space there are plenty of opportunities to get kicked or smacked in the face or head or hand or any other body part for that matter.  There have been instances of people getting concussions from a blow to the head during the swim or having a finger dislocated or nose broken.  Think of it like crawling into your washing machine with a few of your closest friends...someone is gonna get hurt.  On race day I will start way in back and off to the right of the pack.  Hopefully this will keep me out of harm's way until it thins out a bit.  It is a two loop swim so you have to get out of the water after your first lap, run across a timing mat and get back in to do it all over again.  I will be wearing a wetsuit which will help. A wetsuit makes you more buoyant. Trying to wedge my arse in that thing is a workout in and of itself.  It is like putting on a pair of pantyhose 4 sizes too small.  Swim cap and goggles come next.

As a matter fact my arse does fit in that thing!!!

Speaking of goggles....I have worn the same type of goggles for years and have never had problems with them leaking.  Ever since I bashed my head in I have not been able to find a pair that doesn't leak.  I have tried 4 different types with little to no success.  Apparently I deformed my face a bit and now nothing fits right.  Hopefully I will find a good pair long before race day.  One part of the swim I am looking forward to....WETSUIT STRIPPERS.  It is almost as difficult to get out of a wetsuit as it is to get in.  In an Ironman you unzip your wetsuit, pull it down to your waist and then lay down so a stripper can whip it off you in a flash.  Speaking of flash....you really need to make sure your shorts under your wetsuit are tied tightly.  There is a penalty for public nudity!!!  Hopefully I will make peace with my lack of ability in the swim soon and as Quinn said "Embrace the suck".  If I have to suck at something I am glad it is the shortest part of the race.  One redeeming quality about being one of the last swimmers out of the water............It will be very easy to find my bike in transition.  What is transition you ask.   Stay tuned.