HOPE, DREAMS, FEARS AND REFLECTION

When I started this blog I really thought it was just going to be about my Ironman training.  It has turned into quite a bit more.  It has become a snapshot of my life over the past 7 months and how despite the fact that you are training for something huge life continues to move on just like normal.  I also had no intention whatsoever of pouring out as much about my emotions as I did.  I mean let's face it....that just isn't me.  I do think that in order to understand the physical training process you had to know the mental process also.  So one last time I will pour out my feelings about this whole adventure until after the race.  I HOPE I finish. I don't care how long it takes as long as it is under 17 hours and I am an official finisher. I have had DREAMS about becoming an Ironman and how it would feel to come into the Olympic Oval with people screaming and cheering, my family there and cross that finish line and have someone say "Deanne Hobba, You are an Ironman".  Somedays it was that thought alone that got me through workouts.  I am confident that I have the physical capability and mental toughness to do this.  What I FEAR  however is the uncontrollable.  Given perfect conditions I can do this.  What keeps me up some nights is thoughts of getting roughed up in the swim so bad that I can't continue or mechanical bike failure or some medical issue that I could not have planned for or avoided.  For all the Ironman success stories there are a few heartbreaking ones about people who had great training but on race day were dealt a card they just couldn't deal with.  That scares the hell out of me.  How will I feel if I don't finish????  Devastated.  I have never dedicated myself to something like this or poured more of myself into something.  Will I try again???  Not sure.  Certainly not right away because I went broke doing this!!!!  I know that I would get over it but I would be most disappointed for you.. for all of you who followed me along this journey and cheered me on.  A part of me would feel like I let you all down.  Now settle down out there before you blow up my blog page with comments.....I know you wouldn't think that.  I just want all of us to have the happy ending to this journey we deserve.  Last week when Quinn was talking me off the ledge she made a good point.  "All you can do is what you can do"  She also said "Look at what you have accomplished already".  So let's REFLECT run on sentence style:) I lost 125 lbs and became an athlete and signed up for an Ironman and a month later crashed my bike and suffered a head injury and spent three months recovering and getting my brain function back to normal and then spent the next seven months training.  I got up mornings when I didn't want to or it was too cold or too hot or I was sore.  I tried my hardest to become a better swimmer and spent hours on the trainer and on my bike and on my feet pounding out the miles.  I rode or ran in sleet, cold, snow, rain, hail , heat, thunder and lightening.  Over 7 months I only cut short 3 workouts and missed no other ones. According to my logs I have biked 2700 miles, run 608, spent 76 hours swimming and 25 hours strength training.   I have been psyched beyond belief after workouts and broken and discouraged to the core after others.  I have experienced physical and mental exhaustion like I have never seen before.  It has been quite a ride and I am very much looking forward to July 22 at 7 AM when that cannon goes off and I start the last leg of this incredible journey.  Thanks for coming with me and I hope you have enjoyed the ride but please keep your hands and feet inside because we aren't quite done with this ride yet peeps!!!